Moving foward... or not?

Well, it's been an eternity since I've blogged, again. So I'm not going to apologize for not blogging everyday. Simply put, my life just isn't that interesting to blog everyday, but I promise to try to blog once a week. This will probably go well for a while seeing as it's Christmas break (praise God I made it), but after that no promises.

I completed my thesis proposal, ran through it like 7 times before my presentation, bought pointy toed shoes, and PASSED! Yay. I have spent the past few weeks finishing up my class (congrats to the 64 students who successfully navigated my final exam), kicked butt on my remote sensing final (98% for a 99.6% in the class without the curve), and worked on getting my institutional review board application together. Now that all of that work is finished, I'm taking off until Dec. 27th.

But I don't seem to be any less stressed. How is this possible? Perhaps I should re-read Calm My Anxious Heart (Linda Dillow). It, I know, is partly fueled by a recent offer my advisor made me. He (and a few other professors) really want me to stay and complete a PhD. Apparently, I have a few choices for funding such adventures which I'd be willing to discuss, just not on my blog. So now I don't know what to do. Should I stay or should I go?

Well, lets start with the reasons I think I should GO.
* Because a PhD. is just harder than I think I'm willing to work
* I don't really want to stay in Morgantown any longer
* What about Corey's plans to eventually go back to school? I'm married now, this isn't just about me any more. Of course he wants me to be happy, but I won't be happy doing a PhD. knowing he's completely miserable when I'm not following the 5 year plan.
* It's not part of the 5 year plan!
* What about kids? I want to have children someday. I want to have 4 children and in order to pop them all out before I'm, well, old I need to start by 28.
* I'm not exactly done with a thesis, what makes these people believe I can complete a dissertation in a reasonable amount of years.
* I thought I was sick of school.
* A real job will build character and unattained skills.
* I'm terrified I'm not able.

Reasons I think I should stay:
* It is a great opportunity.
* I'll make more money when I'm done and have more job security.
* It's something I've always wanted for myself.
* I can defer my student loans longer.
* School has more flexibility than a full time job.
* I will continue to challenge myself intellectually.
* This challenge, will like my thesis, no doubt build character.
* I love teaching and this will enable me to do that forever.

Yet the real question is:

What does God want me to do?

I want to leave Morgantown, because everyone else has left Morgantown and making me stay in Mo-town (without a football coach) just seems like torture. Or a plan devised by God to build character (perseverance so that his work in me may be complete?).

Or should I get a job, because staying in Morgantown would be the easy thing to do, it's what I've always done, it seems simple, with people I know and know how to work with.

But can I handle watching people I know and care about in the department, graduate and move on without me? Or am I supposed to watch them leave and develop that perseverance that is so freaking wonderful?

Gosh, what do I do?

Well, first things first I guess I should work on my thesis. But then what? If I'm going to stay then I need to apply by Jan. 1 ( I think). Furthermore, if I'm staying now I'm mad I didn't apply to head to Malawi (shoot!).

And these questions keep bouncing around my head like that computer game where you keep the ball between the two boards by using your arrow keys up and down.

So the real and quite haunting question is: WHAT NEXT?

"Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves..."
Somewhere in the middle you'll find me...