Ode to My Husband
I apologize to anyone who is not married for this incredibly sappy blog. However, I will say that my dear husband bears the brunt of all my insanity and stress and doesn’t complain much, well really not at all. So here’s to you, husband who doesn’t complain, shares the remote, and rolls over when I make him because he’s snoring.
I remember first being married, or getting ready to get married, and a dear friend of mine said, “It was hard for me to realize that my husband couldn’t be my hero every day.” I thought about that and decided it would be a good idea not to expect him to be; however, more interestingly he is. He might not make my coffee, do the laundry the way I like, or pick his underwear up off the bathroom floor but he does manage to save me from crisis EVERY SINGLE DAY. Which makes me think of a song called, coincidentally, Every Day. Here are the lyrics for those of you who won’t listen to country music (I love it!):
Every Day by Rascall FlattsYou could have bowed out, gracefully
But you didn’t
You knew enough to leave well enough alone
But you wouldn’t
I drive myself crazy trying to stay out of my own way
The messes that I make, but my secrets are so safe
The only one who gets, yeah you get me
It’s amazing to me
How every day, every day, every day you save my life
I come around all crowed out and broken down and you’re a comfort
Sometimes the place I go is so deep and dark and desperate
I don’t know, I don’t know
How every day, every day, every day you save my life
Sometimes, I swear I don’t know if I’m coming or going
But you always say something with out even knowing
And I’m hanging on your words with all of my might
And I’m alright, yeah I’m alright, for one more night
Every day…
Well, anyway you get the point of the song. (Disclaimer: I don’t really think he “saves” me the same way that Jesus saves me, but he does save me from a mental break down every day)
Now at this point you are probably wondering, what does this guy do for her?
He finds my keys, sunglasses, helps me remember my phone, gets me out of bed, and he always brings me my drink at night so I can take my birth control. He also collects the phone at the night when I’m half asleep to plug it in. Sometimes he even brings me my ID/coffee and other things when I’ve forgotten them at home and he is on his way to work. He also stops at Starbucks when I pout, even though he’s going to be late for work. So he’s pretty much amazing to me. I might be a smart cookie, but I’m a klutz and I generally can’t function in normal, everyday life.
So here’s to you, husband, hero of daily life.
Friday, June 13, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Welcome to My Life
It has been far too long since I have blogged. I apologize for those of you, well the two of you, who actually check my blog regularly for updates. I have been so busy working on my thesis and trying to keep up with life that any sort of self reflection has been put on hold for far too long. I’ve recently decided to try to keep blogging in order to decompress at the end of a long day. And, indeed, it has been another long day. I’ve been in Brooks Hall (WVU Main Campus) for about 12.5 hours now. Nice, right. It wouldn’t be so bad if every day weren’t like this.
It is crunch time for my thesis (the body of work that defines the past two years of my life academically). My advisor is in Malawi completing research for one of his grants (less guidance than normal), and I’m always behind my master plan. Well, isn’t that the story of my life being behind the master plan. To put it into perspective I have about two and half good weeks to finish my thesis. I am 40% complete with writing. I have half of my literature review, which might take me to 50% but right now it’s kind of crap. I somehow have to get what will shortly be about 35 or 40 pages down to 25 maximum. This will require the work of several talented people, not least of which is my advisor if he does indeed return from Africa. I do think that I have a relatively solid Methods, Data Analysis, and Study Area chapters completed. We shall see what BM (Brent McCusker, aka Boss Man) thinks about the whole thing. At this point you may want to consider adding me to your daily prayer list. Seriously.
I have just spent the past 5 weeks knee deep in Marxist political economy/social theory. Yes, it is as painful as it sounds and I’m ready to rip out my hair one by one with tweezers. It’s so frustrating, intimidating, and frightening to know that the past two years of my life could mean nothing in a matter of weeks all depending on the opinion of three important people: My Committee. I will not name them though they know who they are and would discredit their influence, but really. If you examine the academic system—this is how it works!
I currently have two fortunes from fortune cookies on my board to remind me of those things important in life.
“Good luck is the result of good planning.” –let’s hope so!
“All your hard work will soon pay off.”—One can only hope!
All of this isn’t really what keeps me up at night—the problem is the never ending fear that it won’t pay off, that I haven’t planned well enough, and that I will fail in ways unknowable to me previously. Corey keeps saying, “You’ll get it done, you’ll be fine, it will be okay.” But what if it’s not, what if what I have done in these past few months isn’t up to par, what if there are huge conceptual gaps that I just don’t get. I keep telling myself that BM never would have let me get to this point if that were the case, but that is not necessarily true. He could have more faith in me than I have in myself (which is probably true). This is something I have never suffered from before, but I’m working to prepare myself for the bitter disappointment of failure at this. Why this, why now? I’m not really sure. Maybe because the deadline is so important. The rest of my life is contingent upon this, NOW. I know the graduate committee wants me to finish for my benefit and I do too, but the amount of pressure and stress is incredible. I’ve never been more miserable in school in my life. BM would say that “an unhappy graduate student is a very productive graduate student.” Well that is probably true but I really am stressed to the limit. Today I thought, as I was heading into the bathroom alone at 8:30pm in a largely deserted building, “I’d like to see someone try to attack me. I’d freaking kill them and not think twice about it. I don’t have time for some crazy person’s crap right now. “Then I formulated a plan about how I would go about killing them in the bathroom and TEACHING THEM A LESSON. We were just talking today about that grad student who went postal in Illinois and shot all of those poor kids. It was awful and may the rest in peace, but I’m beginning to feel the stress of graduate life.
NEWS FLASH TO SELF AND FRIENDS: I haven’t even started my PhD yet. I’m going to need a large amount of drugs to get through that. Does anyone have any connections?
All of this for a lousy 2008 Honda Accord in green (and an iphone but I might talk my husband into one of those as a finished master’s thesis present, which depends on me actually finishing my master’s thesis. CRAP)
So you are actually beginning to see the level of insanity that I’m currently undergoing. Good.
Did I also mention that I am working 30 hours a week at the WV GIS Technical Center? We are digitizing sewer lines for Jefferson County, WV. It’s fun—almost—not. It’s frustrating and monotonous, but it’s a job that pays well and is very flexible. For example, last week when I was about to have a mental breakdown, I said to my sort of boss, “I’m sorry but I can’t really be here anymore because my brain is momentarily worthless and I’ll see you in the morning.” This was at 3 p.m. This is what working 36 hours in two days will do to your brain.
I have about 5 other things that I want to blog about but don’t really have the time or energy. Look for more blogs as I freak out more and as DOOM’s Day arrives (somewhere between June 29 and July 25th my fate will be decided).
It is crunch time for my thesis (the body of work that defines the past two years of my life academically). My advisor is in Malawi completing research for one of his grants (less guidance than normal), and I’m always behind my master plan. Well, isn’t that the story of my life being behind the master plan. To put it into perspective I have about two and half good weeks to finish my thesis. I am 40% complete with writing. I have half of my literature review, which might take me to 50% but right now it’s kind of crap. I somehow have to get what will shortly be about 35 or 40 pages down to 25 maximum. This will require the work of several talented people, not least of which is my advisor if he does indeed return from Africa. I do think that I have a relatively solid Methods, Data Analysis, and Study Area chapters completed. We shall see what BM (Brent McCusker, aka Boss Man) thinks about the whole thing. At this point you may want to consider adding me to your daily prayer list. Seriously.
I have just spent the past 5 weeks knee deep in Marxist political economy/social theory. Yes, it is as painful as it sounds and I’m ready to rip out my hair one by one with tweezers. It’s so frustrating, intimidating, and frightening to know that the past two years of my life could mean nothing in a matter of weeks all depending on the opinion of three important people: My Committee. I will not name them though they know who they are and would discredit their influence, but really. If you examine the academic system—this is how it works!
I currently have two fortunes from fortune cookies on my board to remind me of those things important in life.
“Good luck is the result of good planning.” –let’s hope so!
“All your hard work will soon pay off.”—One can only hope!
All of this isn’t really what keeps me up at night—the problem is the never ending fear that it won’t pay off, that I haven’t planned well enough, and that I will fail in ways unknowable to me previously. Corey keeps saying, “You’ll get it done, you’ll be fine, it will be okay.” But what if it’s not, what if what I have done in these past few months isn’t up to par, what if there are huge conceptual gaps that I just don’t get. I keep telling myself that BM never would have let me get to this point if that were the case, but that is not necessarily true. He could have more faith in me than I have in myself (which is probably true). This is something I have never suffered from before, but I’m working to prepare myself for the bitter disappointment of failure at this. Why this, why now? I’m not really sure. Maybe because the deadline is so important. The rest of my life is contingent upon this, NOW. I know the graduate committee wants me to finish for my benefit and I do too, but the amount of pressure and stress is incredible. I’ve never been more miserable in school in my life. BM would say that “an unhappy graduate student is a very productive graduate student.” Well that is probably true but I really am stressed to the limit. Today I thought, as I was heading into the bathroom alone at 8:30pm in a largely deserted building, “I’d like to see someone try to attack me. I’d freaking kill them and not think twice about it. I don’t have time for some crazy person’s crap right now. “Then I formulated a plan about how I would go about killing them in the bathroom and TEACHING THEM A LESSON. We were just talking today about that grad student who went postal in Illinois and shot all of those poor kids. It was awful and may the rest in peace, but I’m beginning to feel the stress of graduate life.
NEWS FLASH TO SELF AND FRIENDS: I haven’t even started my PhD yet. I’m going to need a large amount of drugs to get through that. Does anyone have any connections?
All of this for a lousy 2008 Honda Accord in green (and an iphone but I might talk my husband into one of those as a finished master’s thesis present, which depends on me actually finishing my master’s thesis. CRAP)
So you are actually beginning to see the level of insanity that I’m currently undergoing. Good.
Did I also mention that I am working 30 hours a week at the WV GIS Technical Center? We are digitizing sewer lines for Jefferson County, WV. It’s fun—almost—not. It’s frustrating and monotonous, but it’s a job that pays well and is very flexible. For example, last week when I was about to have a mental breakdown, I said to my sort of boss, “I’m sorry but I can’t really be here anymore because my brain is momentarily worthless and I’ll see you in the morning.” This was at 3 p.m. This is what working 36 hours in two days will do to your brain.
I have about 5 other things that I want to blog about but don’t really have the time or energy. Look for more blogs as I freak out more and as DOOM’s Day arrives (somewhere between June 29 and July 25th my fate will be decided).
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Why winter is not a result of the fall...
Happy Valentine’s Day World! I know so many people who love and who hate this Halmark Holiday. I take it as an opportunity to celebrate the fact that I am IN LOVE! But that isn’t the purpose of my blog today. The purpose is to fill you all in on a little something I’ve decided.
I hate to be cold. I despise it. The only thing worse than being cold is being cold and WET, or wet and COLD either way it makes me miserable. My friend Jessi used to comment that she was less able to stand up to the enemy if she was cold. To which my friend Beth has decided that winter is a result of the fall. I also held both of these beliefs until recently when I got to thinking. (Aka: when I couldn’t sleep.)
We know (as Beth Moore would say it) that God created the HEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSS and the earth. Being a geographer, I study the earth in a more intimate way than most people. I know why the sun rises and sets where it does, why it rains, why its cloudy or sunny, and most importantly why the seasons change.
Winter cannot possibly be a result of the fall because it’s an integral part of the cycle the earth takes around the sun, which God himself established. Think about it- God created Earth to be just far enough from the sun to be warm enough for human life but not too hot and not too cold. He sent the earth around the sun so different parts of earth could reap the benefits of a summer and a winter. He tilted the earth 23.5 degrees north so that we wouldn’t get too much sun when we were too close to the sun. He made the earth spin to help generate our magnetic field-to create our atmosphere which is just right to keep the sun’s harmful rays out and let the warming, energy producing rays in. Everything about the Earth’s intricate trip around the sun screams creation in its perfection to make Earth habitable by human life.
Part of this cycle is the winter season. While it spits and spats out snow and ice and makes traveling complicated, it also kills off a lot of pests and insects to make life safer. So my conclusion is that we have a God who in his glory created a rotating orbiting planet just perfect for us!
I hate to be cold. I despise it. The only thing worse than being cold is being cold and WET, or wet and COLD either way it makes me miserable. My friend Jessi used to comment that she was less able to stand up to the enemy if she was cold. To which my friend Beth has decided that winter is a result of the fall. I also held both of these beliefs until recently when I got to thinking. (Aka: when I couldn’t sleep.)
We know (as Beth Moore would say it) that God created the HEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNSSSSSSSSSS and the earth. Being a geographer, I study the earth in a more intimate way than most people. I know why the sun rises and sets where it does, why it rains, why its cloudy or sunny, and most importantly why the seasons change.
Winter cannot possibly be a result of the fall because it’s an integral part of the cycle the earth takes around the sun, which God himself established. Think about it- God created Earth to be just far enough from the sun to be warm enough for human life but not too hot and not too cold. He sent the earth around the sun so different parts of earth could reap the benefits of a summer and a winter. He tilted the earth 23.5 degrees north so that we wouldn’t get too much sun when we were too close to the sun. He made the earth spin to help generate our magnetic field-to create our atmosphere which is just right to keep the sun’s harmful rays out and let the warming, energy producing rays in. Everything about the Earth’s intricate trip around the sun screams creation in its perfection to make Earth habitable by human life.
Part of this cycle is the winter season. While it spits and spats out snow and ice and makes traveling complicated, it also kills off a lot of pests and insects to make life safer. So my conclusion is that we have a God who in his glory created a rotating orbiting planet just perfect for us!
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Moving foward... or not?
Well, it's been an eternity since I've blogged, again. So I'm not going to apologize for not blogging everyday. Simply put, my life just isn't that interesting to blog everyday, but I promise to try to blog once a week. This will probably go well for a while seeing as it's Christmas break (praise God I made it), but after that no promises.
I completed my thesis proposal, ran through it like 7 times before my presentation, bought pointy toed shoes, and PASSED! Yay. I have spent the past few weeks finishing up my class (congrats to the 64 students who successfully navigated my final exam), kicked butt on my remote sensing final (98% for a 99.6% in the class without the curve), and worked on getting my institutional review board application together. Now that all of that work is finished, I'm taking off until Dec. 27th.
But I don't seem to be any less stressed. How is this possible? Perhaps I should re-read Calm My Anxious Heart (Linda Dillow). It, I know, is partly fueled by a recent offer my advisor made me. He (and a few other professors) really want me to stay and complete a PhD. Apparently, I have a few choices for funding such adventures which I'd be willing to discuss, just not on my blog. So now I don't know what to do. Should I stay or should I go?
Well, lets start with the reasons I think I should GO.
* Because a PhD. is just harder than I think I'm willing to work
* I don't really want to stay in Morgantown any longer
* What about Corey's plans to eventually go back to school? I'm married now, this isn't just about me any more. Of course he wants me to be happy, but I won't be happy doing a PhD. knowing he's completely miserable when I'm not following the 5 year plan.
* It's not part of the 5 year plan!
* What about kids? I want to have children someday. I want to have 4 children and in order to pop them all out before I'm, well, old I need to start by 28.
* I'm not exactly done with a thesis, what makes these people believe I can complete a dissertation in a reasonable amount of years.
* I thought I was sick of school.
* A real job will build character and unattained skills.
* I'm terrified I'm not able.
Reasons I think I should stay:
* It is a great opportunity.
* I'll make more money when I'm done and have more job security.
* It's something I've always wanted for myself.
* I can defer my student loans longer.
* School has more flexibility than a full time job.
* I will continue to challenge myself intellectually.
* This challenge, will like my thesis, no doubt build character.
* I love teaching and this will enable me to do that forever.
Yet the real question is:
What does God want me to do?
I want to leave Morgantown, because everyone else has left Morgantown and making me stay in Mo-town (without a football coach) just seems like torture. Or a plan devised by God to build character (perseverance so that his work in me may be complete?).
Or should I get a job, because staying in Morgantown would be the easy thing to do, it's what I've always done, it seems simple, with people I know and know how to work with.
But can I handle watching people I know and care about in the department, graduate and move on without me? Or am I supposed to watch them leave and develop that perseverance that is so freaking wonderful?
Gosh, what do I do?
Well, first things first I guess I should work on my thesis. But then what? If I'm going to stay then I need to apply by Jan. 1 ( I think). Furthermore, if I'm staying now I'm mad I didn't apply to head to Malawi (shoot!).
And these questions keep bouncing around my head like that computer game where you keep the ball between the two boards by using your arrow keys up and down.
So the real and quite haunting question is: WHAT NEXT?
"Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves..."
Somewhere in the middle you'll find me...
I completed my thesis proposal, ran through it like 7 times before my presentation, bought pointy toed shoes, and PASSED! Yay. I have spent the past few weeks finishing up my class (congrats to the 64 students who successfully navigated my final exam), kicked butt on my remote sensing final (98% for a 99.6% in the class without the curve), and worked on getting my institutional review board application together. Now that all of that work is finished, I'm taking off until Dec. 27th.
But I don't seem to be any less stressed. How is this possible? Perhaps I should re-read Calm My Anxious Heart (Linda Dillow). It, I know, is partly fueled by a recent offer my advisor made me. He (and a few other professors) really want me to stay and complete a PhD. Apparently, I have a few choices for funding such adventures which I'd be willing to discuss, just not on my blog. So now I don't know what to do. Should I stay or should I go?
Well, lets start with the reasons I think I should GO.
* Because a PhD. is just harder than I think I'm willing to work
* I don't really want to stay in Morgantown any longer
* What about Corey's plans to eventually go back to school? I'm married now, this isn't just about me any more. Of course he wants me to be happy, but I won't be happy doing a PhD. knowing he's completely miserable when I'm not following the 5 year plan.
* It's not part of the 5 year plan!
* What about kids? I want to have children someday. I want to have 4 children and in order to pop them all out before I'm, well, old I need to start by 28.
* I'm not exactly done with a thesis, what makes these people believe I can complete a dissertation in a reasonable amount of years.
* I thought I was sick of school.
* A real job will build character and unattained skills.
* I'm terrified I'm not able.
Reasons I think I should stay:
* It is a great opportunity.
* I'll make more money when I'm done and have more job security.
* It's something I've always wanted for myself.
* I can defer my student loans longer.
* School has more flexibility than a full time job.
* I will continue to challenge myself intellectually.
* This challenge, will like my thesis, no doubt build character.
* I love teaching and this will enable me to do that forever.
Yet the real question is:
What does God want me to do?
I want to leave Morgantown, because everyone else has left Morgantown and making me stay in Mo-town (without a football coach) just seems like torture. Or a plan devised by God to build character (perseverance so that his work in me may be complete?).
Or should I get a job, because staying in Morgantown would be the easy thing to do, it's what I've always done, it seems simple, with people I know and know how to work with.
But can I handle watching people I know and care about in the department, graduate and move on without me? Or am I supposed to watch them leave and develop that perseverance that is so freaking wonderful?
Gosh, what do I do?
Well, first things first I guess I should work on my thesis. But then what? If I'm going to stay then I need to apply by Jan. 1 ( I think). Furthermore, if I'm staying now I'm mad I didn't apply to head to Malawi (shoot!).
And these questions keep bouncing around my head like that computer game where you keep the ball between the two boards by using your arrow keys up and down.
So the real and quite haunting question is: WHAT NEXT?
"Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves..."
Somewhere in the middle you'll find me...
Monday, November 26, 2007
A many sleepless night...
So sorry it’s been so long since I’ve blogged (for those of you who are obsessed like me). As the holidays are approaching, and with Thanksgiving gone, we have been so busy in my household. I made the mistake of telling my boss at Elder Beerman that I could work a bit of hours and ended up working almost 35 last week. It was really intense, but I made some extra cash for Christmas which always helps. In other words, not much happened that anyone would care to hear about.
As many of you know, there are quite a few things that I have really passionate feelings or beliefs about. I hope that this blog will be an outlet for them. I have had so many wonderful ideas for blog topics such as an Ode to my Wonderful Husband, My thoughts on Politics, as well as Education. However, I just don’t seem to have enough time or energy to put into some of them. I promise that one day, perhaps over Christmas break, I will be fortunate to have enough time to write them all.
Today’s blog is about my insomnia or inability to fall asleep in any normal amount of time. It takes seven minutes for the average American to fall asleep, at least that’s what I’ve been told. Well it takes me an average of 77 minutes and includes some vicious tossing and turning and ups and downs and ins and outs and all kinds of bothersome stuff. I’ve decided to get back to journaling in hopes that it will help take some of the 85 million thoughts that go through my head when it hits the pillow. Most of the time they are so sporadic I can’t even follow them through. The rest of the time, I’m wallowing in self-pity or needlessly worrying about something that “could” happen. Now I’ve read Linda Dillow (Calm My Anxious Heart) and can identify a spell of anxiety when it hits me. Yet, even though I’ve clearly recognized it, there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do about it.
I mean, I spend time worrying about Jesse Carpenter (my beloved cousin’s boyfriend who also happened to make my wedding favors so he’s not just some guy to me) in Afghanistan and how bad she must be hurting. Sometimes, I let myself relive the pain of being so far away from Corey while in Morocco just to remember what she is going through. I could literally spend hours crying about it when I think of his danger and her heartache. Or I worry about my grandparents dying instantly and without warning. They are getting up there you know, and any day could be there last. I let myself become devastated in a matter of moments over something that hasn’t even happened or isn’t happening to me. Some would call it compassion; I think it’s something in my head that needs to get out. Worrying and being up half the night over these things that I cannot control will do no one any good.
Then there is my proposal, which I’m finally giving on Friday, yes this FRIDAY! NOVEMBER 30TH, and that just has me really freaked out. The fact that Corey asks me 5 times a day if I’m nervous is beside the point. The biggest fear of all keeps creeping up inside of me: FAILURE. What if I suck? What if they ask questions I can’t answer? And worst of all, what if I look stupid? Maybe that’s it. I’ve fought all these years to prove to myself, my peers, even my family that I am a smart cookie. That I can achieve my goals, even if they aren’t as black and white as others. That I can be successful doing what I love to do, even if it means not making six figures. That I can do geography, because it doesn’t require me to put myself in a box, behind a desk, or in one place. All of this, in my head, is riding on a 20 minute presentation that I have to give in a room full of people I know know well! and respect) in less than 4 days.
It is amazing to me how I can bottle most of my self-worth into one thing (for many women it becomes a body image issue for me it’s a brain issue): my intelligence.
Will my anxiety end on Friday when the presentation is over? What will it manifest in next? And most importantly what will “they” think of me? Who is “they” even? Who am I most worried about impressing? My advisor? My committee? My husband? My sister? My peers? My colleagues? Myself? My God? My Jesus?
Somewhere between my faith and my plans...
As many of you know, there are quite a few things that I have really passionate feelings or beliefs about. I hope that this blog will be an outlet for them. I have had so many wonderful ideas for blog topics such as an Ode to my Wonderful Husband, My thoughts on Politics, as well as Education. However, I just don’t seem to have enough time or energy to put into some of them. I promise that one day, perhaps over Christmas break, I will be fortunate to have enough time to write them all.
Today’s blog is about my insomnia or inability to fall asleep in any normal amount of time. It takes seven minutes for the average American to fall asleep, at least that’s what I’ve been told. Well it takes me an average of 77 minutes and includes some vicious tossing and turning and ups and downs and ins and outs and all kinds of bothersome stuff. I’ve decided to get back to journaling in hopes that it will help take some of the 85 million thoughts that go through my head when it hits the pillow. Most of the time they are so sporadic I can’t even follow them through. The rest of the time, I’m wallowing in self-pity or needlessly worrying about something that “could” happen. Now I’ve read Linda Dillow (Calm My Anxious Heart) and can identify a spell of anxiety when it hits me. Yet, even though I’ve clearly recognized it, there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do about it.
I mean, I spend time worrying about Jesse Carpenter (my beloved cousin’s boyfriend who also happened to make my wedding favors so he’s not just some guy to me) in Afghanistan and how bad she must be hurting. Sometimes, I let myself relive the pain of being so far away from Corey while in Morocco just to remember what she is going through. I could literally spend hours crying about it when I think of his danger and her heartache. Or I worry about my grandparents dying instantly and without warning. They are getting up there you know, and any day could be there last. I let myself become devastated in a matter of moments over something that hasn’t even happened or isn’t happening to me. Some would call it compassion; I think it’s something in my head that needs to get out. Worrying and being up half the night over these things that I cannot control will do no one any good.
Then there is my proposal, which I’m finally giving on Friday, yes this FRIDAY! NOVEMBER 30TH, and that just has me really freaked out. The fact that Corey asks me 5 times a day if I’m nervous is beside the point. The biggest fear of all keeps creeping up inside of me: FAILURE. What if I suck? What if they ask questions I can’t answer? And worst of all, what if I look stupid? Maybe that’s it. I’ve fought all these years to prove to myself, my peers, even my family that I am a smart cookie. That I can achieve my goals, even if they aren’t as black and white as others. That I can be successful doing what I love to do, even if it means not making six figures. That I can do geography, because it doesn’t require me to put myself in a box, behind a desk, or in one place. All of this, in my head, is riding on a 20 minute presentation that I have to give in a room full of people I know know well! and respect) in less than 4 days.
It is amazing to me how I can bottle most of my self-worth into one thing (for many women it becomes a body image issue for me it’s a brain issue): my intelligence.
Will my anxiety end on Friday when the presentation is over? What will it manifest in next? And most importantly what will “they” think of me? Who is “they” even? Who am I most worried about impressing? My advisor? My committee? My husband? My sister? My peers? My colleagues? Myself? My God? My Jesus?
Somewhere between my faith and my plans...
Friday, November 9, 2007
The Outline
The Philosophy
The namesake of this blog provides you all with a description of where I am in life. I generally refer to live in seasons which of course I take from Ecclesiastes. For several years now, this passage has been dear to my heart and close to my heart is where I shall keep it. To me it only makes sense that it should be, at the very least, in my first “real” blog. Let me interject that it is truly refreshing to be able to write without in text citation.
Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
9 What does the worker gain from his toil?
10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
Courtesy of Bible Gateway.com
(YET AGAIN WITH THE CITATIONS!)
But as of lately, I’ve been feeling—well, out of place. Currently, I feel as though I’m not in any of these seasons-perhaps a mixture of them or just between the lines. As Casting Crowns (I just can’t stop with the citations now can I) put it so eloquently…somewhere in the middle. “Somewhere between the new and the old, somewhere between who I am and who I used to be, somewhere in the middle you’ll find me. Somewhere between the wrong and the right, somewhere between the darkness and the light, somewhere between who I was and who Your making me, somewhere in the middle you’ll find me.”
The Middle
This is the part where I tell you what the current middle consists of. I am still working on my thesis proposal and in fact have a meeting with my advisor at 1pm today. I should have completed by proposal weeks ago and begun working on my data collection for my thesis by now, but that did not happen. It didn’t happen for a variety of reasons, mostly because when I started this whole process I didn’t know what I was doing. I arbitrarily chose something to research and didn’t even consider the philosophical or theoretical background. Not to mention, I also started this when I was planning the wedding and taking a full load of courses which pulled me in all directions. It’s not that I’m unthankful for those experiences because I learned a lot about things I need to know about. It’s just that I was never able to focus on any one thing. Then school was out, and I went into wedding mode for the next 2 months (yes I was still in wedding mode post ceremony). After coming back from the honeymoon, fully moving Corey in, and organizing all of the wonderful gifts we received it was time to get a part time job so that we weren’t totally broke all of the time. Shortly after, my sister moved in and school started. I hadn’t looked at my proposal in months. So, a few days before it started I completed all of the edits that Dr. McCusker had scribbled in red and insisting that I must have written it in my sleep. This was not a compliment however true.
Then we began the process of turning my proposal into something readable. We focused on one section at a time, one week at a time, and finally ended with a decent proposal, except. Well, except that I still did not have a theoretical foundation but at least I knew that I wanted to focus in political economy. Political economy focuses on how the organization of our economy is impacted by a variety of issues, none the least politics. For example, capitalism only works as well as it does because of the serious physical property and intellectual property rights. Well, this being said those of you who know me want to understand what in the world (pun intended) this has to do with geography. Well if this is your question just send me an email and I will be happy to explain it to you however, I probably shouldn’t re-write my theoretical approach on my blog (someone might steal it). And at this point, I decided to embark upon the Marxist journey of understanding how capitalism affects space and society—which began with a long conversation with the talented Dr.Hanham.
After reading and digesting and writing a theoretical approach, as well as some serious restructuring of my proposal I gave Dr.McCusker a copy on Monday night and we will be discussing it today. So I should propose by the end of the semester—let’s hope (and pray, seriously). That said it should be known that my timeline will take me through the summer to complete the thesis and therefore I will not actually graduate until December 08, but should be able to get a job in the Fall of 08. I am stuck in Morgantown until this thesis is finished!
So, basically, I am in the middle of a Master’s Degree.
This has become a really long post. I think I’ll end it here and save more rants for another day.
My birthday is tomorrow- I’ll be 24. Half way to 48.
somewhere in the middle
The namesake of this blog provides you all with a description of where I am in life. I generally refer to live in seasons which of course I take from Ecclesiastes. For several years now, this passage has been dear to my heart and close to my heart is where I shall keep it. To me it only makes sense that it should be, at the very least, in my first “real” blog. Let me interject that it is truly refreshing to be able to write without in text citation.
Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything
1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven:
2 a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
6 a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.
9 What does the worker gain from his toil?
10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end.
Courtesy of Bible Gateway.com
(YET AGAIN WITH THE CITATIONS!)
But as of lately, I’ve been feeling—well, out of place. Currently, I feel as though I’m not in any of these seasons-perhaps a mixture of them or just between the lines. As Casting Crowns (I just can’t stop with the citations now can I) put it so eloquently…somewhere in the middle. “Somewhere between the new and the old, somewhere between who I am and who I used to be, somewhere in the middle you’ll find me. Somewhere between the wrong and the right, somewhere between the darkness and the light, somewhere between who I was and who Your making me, somewhere in the middle you’ll find me.”
The Middle
This is the part where I tell you what the current middle consists of. I am still working on my thesis proposal and in fact have a meeting with my advisor at 1pm today. I should have completed by proposal weeks ago and begun working on my data collection for my thesis by now, but that did not happen. It didn’t happen for a variety of reasons, mostly because when I started this whole process I didn’t know what I was doing. I arbitrarily chose something to research and didn’t even consider the philosophical or theoretical background. Not to mention, I also started this when I was planning the wedding and taking a full load of courses which pulled me in all directions. It’s not that I’m unthankful for those experiences because I learned a lot about things I need to know about. It’s just that I was never able to focus on any one thing. Then school was out, and I went into wedding mode for the next 2 months (yes I was still in wedding mode post ceremony). After coming back from the honeymoon, fully moving Corey in, and organizing all of the wonderful gifts we received it was time to get a part time job so that we weren’t totally broke all of the time. Shortly after, my sister moved in and school started. I hadn’t looked at my proposal in months. So, a few days before it started I completed all of the edits that Dr. McCusker had scribbled in red and insisting that I must have written it in my sleep. This was not a compliment however true.
Then we began the process of turning my proposal into something readable. We focused on one section at a time, one week at a time, and finally ended with a decent proposal, except. Well, except that I still did not have a theoretical foundation but at least I knew that I wanted to focus in political economy. Political economy focuses on how the organization of our economy is impacted by a variety of issues, none the least politics. For example, capitalism only works as well as it does because of the serious physical property and intellectual property rights. Well, this being said those of you who know me want to understand what in the world (pun intended) this has to do with geography. Well if this is your question just send me an email and I will be happy to explain it to you however, I probably shouldn’t re-write my theoretical approach on my blog (someone might steal it). And at this point, I decided to embark upon the Marxist journey of understanding how capitalism affects space and society—which began with a long conversation with the talented Dr.Hanham.
After reading and digesting and writing a theoretical approach, as well as some serious restructuring of my proposal I gave Dr.McCusker a copy on Monday night and we will be discussing it today. So I should propose by the end of the semester—let’s hope (and pray, seriously). That said it should be known that my timeline will take me through the summer to complete the thesis and therefore I will not actually graduate until December 08, but should be able to get a job in the Fall of 08. I am stuck in Morgantown until this thesis is finished!
So, basically, I am in the middle of a Master’s Degree.
This has become a really long post. I think I’ll end it here and save more rants for another day.
My birthday is tomorrow- I’ll be 24. Half way to 48.
somewhere in the middle
Thursday, November 8, 2007
Everyone else has one...
Seeing as everyone I know has a blog on blogger, and I check them daily now because I'm either obsessed or procrastinating, I have decided to start blogging. Also, I have found it is a great way to keep up with friends i don't regularly get to chat with. You can look forward to discussions about many things on this blog from the Marxist perspective on capitalism to the recent terrorist activities of the cats (or shhmats as we call them), and always including the recent Colbertisms.
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